Peanut Butter Olympics

The Olympics that have just passed gave me a great opportunity to identify with the country I live in. When Li Jiawei, Feng Tianwei, and Wang Yuegu were battling toward the finals against South Korea, I was riveted to the television set. And there was no way I was going to miss them play against China, even though their chances of winning were remote. My enthusiasm must have been partly spurred by the fact that, at the time Singapore played South Korea, I don’t think Canada had yet won a medal. Being a deeply patriotic and loyal nationalist, I immediately started cheering for Singapore.

The success of the women’s table tennis team has validated Singapore’s investment in foreign-born athletes, and will surely encourage similar efforts for additional sports. At the same time, the powers that be will be looking to cultivate sports that are appropriate for native-born Singaporeans. They should choose wisely. Fortunately, table tennis is something to be proud of. Not so for all Olympic events.

It boggles the mind - at least my mind -- that certain competitions are in the Olympics. At the tippy-top of my Ridiculous Olympic Sports list is beach volleyball. If beach volleyball qualifies as an Olympic event, then there should also be medals for best beer drinking, best barbeque, and, of course, best tan. Singapore would be a strong contender for all three, but our successes would only add to the glamour of beach volleyball. Big mistake.

The next on my list is synchronized swimming. I think the first question that people should ask themselves when deciding whether a sport qualifies as an Olympic event is, “Do the competitors look hilariously funny?” Clearly, nobody asked themselves this question regarding synchronized swimming. Whether it’s their cute little feet poking up and down through the water, as if their heads were stuck in underwater buckets, or those nose pins that make them look like piglets recovering from plastic surgery, synchronized swimmers are a hoot.

If synchronized swimming can be an Olympic sport, then so should synchronized table clearing. Imagine a women’s table clearing event. Singapore already has thousands of aunties training day and night in hawker centres and food courts across the island. And what about synchronized shopping? If Singapore is looking for a home-grown gold medal, then synchronized shopping is where the smart money goes.

The bronze medal for ridiculous sporting events is tricky. It’s so difficult to choose between steeplechase, race walking, and hammer throw. For sheer guffaw value, race walking reigns supreme. Singapore should not even think about investing in race walking. But if slow-walking could be introduced, then we’re unbeatable.

As for steeplechase and hammer throw, I just don’t get the point. Right now, many readers are saying, “But those events are really difficult!” I’m sure they are, but many things are difficult. Does being difficult really warrant a slot at the Olympics? I find it difficult to get up in the morning, but nobody gives me a medal each time I do it. Likewise for walking up or down an escalator (see a previous column), or trying to exit an MRT train while 200 people insist on entering through the same door at the same time.

What is it about putting puddles of water on the track that makes steeplechase such a compelling sport anyway? Don’t children run through puddles all the time? If difficulty is what elevates all these sports to their revered status, then I have a great idea for steeplechase. Instead of puddles of water, try peanut butter. It is definitely harder to run through peanut butter.

In fact, peanut butter could be used to raise the difficulty of many sports. Let’s see if those buff bodies look so cool on the beach volleyball court when the sand is gone and they are ankle deep in peanut butter. Now that would be a breakfast of champions.

And if it’s difficulty we want, steeplechase events could be held at Boon Lay MRT station during evening rush hour. The competitors would have to begin at the 179 bus stop, dodge the usual two million commuters till they reach the kiosks outside the station, buy -- and eat -- one sticky rice dumpling wrapped in lotus leaf, bound up the stairs, jump over the uncle or aunty singing to music from a boom-box while accurately landing a one dollar coin in their cup, leap over the ez-link gates and sprint for the escalator.

At this point, most competitors will still be stumbling, battered and bruised, toward the sticky rice dumpling stall. But it’s the escalator which will eliminate all but the truest Olympians (you really must refer to the earlier column). The first one to finally enter an MRT train would be the gold medal winner. Extra points would be awarded for preventing alighting passengers from exiting, and double extra points if that passenger is a pregnant mother pushing a baby stroller. Singaporean steeplechasers would hold the record for centuries.

In the meantime, I’m thrilled that we have Li, Feng, and Wang. Canada did manage to pick up several medals, I’m pleased to say. To boost their standings in future Games, I’m considering a few events tailor-made for Canadians. Peanut-butter hockey has a certain appeal.

Mark Featherstone is Canadian, and a Professor at the School of Biological Sciences, Nanyang Technological University. He loves peanut butter.